just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
