god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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