i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
