Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Randomize
