Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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