omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
