On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
