he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
