I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
