Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
