she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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