I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
