she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
