I will die if light touches me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
