the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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