that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
