remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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