I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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