Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
