never play flip cup with pint glasses
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
