a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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