i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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