I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
where are my eyebrows?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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