i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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