In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize