Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
