Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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