Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The adults are the big ones right?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
