There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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