I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
