Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
