I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
