I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
