Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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