cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize