Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
