R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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