All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
