looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
