my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
