Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
