Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't deserve a penis
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize