If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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