Sry I called you an 8
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
