my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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