my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
