When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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