I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my sisters under your porch take her home
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
