I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
