I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
