Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
