I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
