Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize