Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
