found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
