Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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