my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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