you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
