I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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