Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
