Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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