You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sobbing to NWA
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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