Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize