There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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